8/1/2011

Days Sober:  45

Stress Level:  6

Functioning Level:  5

Hi. My name is Jody and I am an alcoholic/addict

Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile. ~ Author Unknown

Today I had my MRI.  I went in Monday of last week for an MRI on my right elbow and suffered a full on panic/anxiety attack.  I only lasted about 45 minutes before the attach hit.  I came out of the tube visibly shaken, heart racing, difficulty breathing, crying huge alligator tears, nausea and vomiting and was in a cold sweat.  Unless you have suffered an anxiety or panic attach you can't fully understand it's devastating effects on your physical body and your mental mind.  It is intense and feels like your having a heart attach - so I have been told - me I felt like I was dying....We rescheduled the appointment to this morning...My doctor prescribed a medication to help me get through and amazingly I was able to complete the MRI....the medication may have played a small part in getting me through it but mostly it was the tech who worked with me and decided after trying to put me in head first and I started panicking that maybe a new game plan was in order - so we tried it feet first which made all the difference.  I completed the exam and am now home safe and sound with no lingering panic symptoms.

Thank you Earl and the rest of your staff for helping me get through this your efforts are very much appreciated.

I was worried about taking the medication as it could impact my sobriety.  In AA and NA prescription drug use even with a doctor's approval is frowned upon.  I had some real issues with taking the drug worried it would open up the "pathway" in my mind and I would have some serious issues with wanting to relapse.  I spoke to my counselor prior to taking the drug and also to my support group in IOP. I felt very confident about taking the medication.  Since it was a one time use only - and I was doing under my doctors care and the care of the staff performing the MRI - they actually had me come in an hour early and take the medication on site to ensure I had someone with me at all times to help with any issues.  I also had a sober support person with me to provide personal support to me.

I definitely have worries regarding taking this medication and it leading to me wanting to use my drugs of choice - Alcohol and Marijuana.  However, I am 2+ hours past taking the medication and I feel fine.  I am not getting flashes in my mind of wanting to go smoke a bowl or take a shot of vodka - so all is well for right now.  I also have my coping skills all lined up should this change.  I have my grounding skills, my sober support family on alert, and am staying clear of any activities that may trigger my addictive cycle.  I am also feeling good enough to attend my favorite women's AA group and am looking forward to going there. 

There is allot of controversy surrounding the use of doctor per scribed medications that can be mind altering.  I am not a pill popper. I have trouble just taking my daily flinstone vitamin!! That being said an addict can face variable opinions on both sides - those who feel as long as you are taking it as prescribed and not abusing it then you are okay - others however will warn in no uncertain terms that using any form of pills is a gateway to a relapse. I believe that if the medication is beneficial to you - say for relief of chronic or acute pain, anxiety, depression, etc and you are not abusing the medication and the benefits far out way the side effects - then yes take your meds.  But do so being fully honest with your doctor about your diseases and be open with regards to feeling of wanting to use "other" drugs and or alcohol if you begin to have those desires. This is just my opinion.

I used marijuana in the past to help with chronic pain I suffer from several medical problems I have.  Without using marijuana I am definitely feeling more pain and am more uncomfortable.  I know that if I use marijuana though I will want to also go back to drinking - for me the two go hand in hand.  Since not enough research has been done to validate patient claims of medical benefits of marijuana I am comfortable giving it up in order to maintain my sobriety.  Not everyone feels the same as I do.  This is a highly controversial topic and there just isn't enough scientific or medical proof to back up its use. 

I am a supporter of "Medical Marijuana" and I believe if I were using it for that purpose I would benefit from it's use - however, I made the choice to discontinue using it for medical purposes as part of living clean and sober without the influence of any drugs.  It is a struggle everyday to not take that first hit....and my medical mind often gives a good fight - but the rest of my mind has recognized that I am okay today without it and will continue to be okay without it.  That being said I support continued research into the benefits of Marijuana.  I just don't plan to actively use in order to show support.

Today I am grateful for the MRI staff - especially Earl who was so patient and understanding.  I am grateful for another sober day.  I am grateful that I have a roof over my head.  A solid ground to stand on and for my biggest fan - Tim.  I love you sooo much and thank you for being here for me.  :)