08/11/11

Days Sober:  56

Stress Level:  1

Functioning Level:  9

Hello.  :)  My name is Jody.  I am an alcoholic and an addict.

What specific temptations do I face?

Since my last entry into my clean & sober blog I have faced many "temptations".  Sobriety is a process and it's based on progress NOT perfection. Today I don't expect to be perfect.  I expect to face obstacles and challenges.  I expect the people in my life to not understand my disease and I know that although I may stumble - I will not fall.

Recovery is a choice each day - sometimes each hour - it is a new way of life.  It is forgiving. It is accepting.  It is understanding.  It is being willing to surrender not to your addiction but to your recovery.  It is being willing to face your fears, shortcoming and reality in a new and enlightened way. They say in the program that recovery is simple - just change your person, places and things.  Simple - huh???  Not so much. 

This last week has been challenging in so many ways....having "isolated" myself from friends and family I finally stepped up and started engaging others again.  My BFF who moved to New Mexico - a person I love and miss very very much - is up here visiting.  I went to stay with her so I could catch up and we could re-connect.  Being there brought back my past and all the times we drank and partied together - most of my memories of partying and drinking at least for the last twelve years - have her in them.  She is the Louise to my Thelma.  It was a wonderful visit and although I had instant thoughts of wanting to drink - as that is what we've always done - I didn't knowing that what I would lose would far outweigh what I would accomplish with that first drink or that first hit.  Thank you my wonderful BFF who told me that sobriety looks good on me - :) 

My next temptation came from unresolved issues with my x.  This week he "announced" on Facebook that he is "in a relationship".  This hit me very hard.  I still hold onto all the awful things he did to me and am working on being forgiving and accepting.  I have thoughts of "why should he be happy when I am still miserable?" "How can he just move on knowing what a wreck my life is as a result of what he did to me".  Why does he get to be happy - ????  All of these thoughts are unhealthy and unrealistic.  They are also remnants of my unresolved issues from my past and part of my addictive cycle and not my recovery cycle.  I have thoughts of wanting him to be miserable.  For him to hurt and feel all the pain that I do. It was also his birthday this past week - his birthday is two (2) days before mine - so hard to forget.  I really struggled with letting go and accepting.  This is a shortcoming on my part.  In retrospect and after a fearful search of my feeling I know that I have absolutely no control over him or his actions.  I can only control my actions and my responses.  I am responsible for my happiness.  Today I still feel some unresolved feelings and issues with my ex.  I hope that time and my willingness to work through these issues and shortcomings will help me to overcome and persevere.

My next temptations came from old friends and old places.  I was invited to a very special person's birthday party for her ten year old daughter and her husband of many years.  The daughter's birthday party was first and was during the daylight hours and the husbands was after dusk.  I thought about what I wanted to do and how I wanted to handle the situation.  I really wanted to go and re-connect with people that I care about but at the same time was worried about my ability to not drink or smoke when it was directly in front of my face.  I decided I would go to the daughters birthday party but leave when the grown up party began in an effort to not be tempted.  As the day progressed and the "partying" began I realized that although I wasn't strong enough my higher power was and then and there I surrender to my higher power.  I was able to stay for the majority of the adult party and re-connect with persons that I hadn't seen for a long time...I was so proud of myself for not taking a drink or smoking any marijuana even when it was directly in front of my face.  I wouldn't want to do that everyday because temptation is just that - tempting - I am very proud of my resolve and thank my higher power for taking the reins and keeping me sane.  I had a few more situations where I was reconnecting with my friends from my past and was able to hold onto my sobriety.  For many people who knew me when I drank and smoked it is a "Crazy" thought to think of me as clean and sober.  For me it is choosing life over death.

While working my first step - I came to a realization.  It was a slow realization and once it became a full thought I was astonished at the concept.  I am often amazed at my progress. I wonder how in the world I am staying sober...seems like I should have failed by now.  Where is my self-destructive behaviors that never have allowed me to succeed despite my best efforts?  It was after some soul searching and self accepting that I realized that I am not alone.  I am not doing this by myself.  I have a higher power that is protecting me and guiding me.  It was this higher power whom I choose to call GOD that allows me to be sober and clean.  I acknowledge him today as my guiding spirit, my protector, and my savior.  It is because of him and my understanding of him that I am clean and sober and living in sobriety today.  I also have all the people in AA who are willing to speak about the struggles and successes in their lives as a result of this program that help me want what they have.

My birthday was this past weekend.  I am now 41 years old.  I decided to open my "Our Daily Bread" this morning and read what the scripture study was for my birthday.  I have always loved the scriptures of the bible that talk about wearing the armour of god.  (Ephesians 6: 10-20).  I was reminded of this message when I found that as the topic for my birthday.  It is essence states that we should always put on the spiritual armour of god each and every day - The belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, feet in readiness of the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, and the helmet of salvation. I find even more meaning in these words now that I am of clearer mind, spirit and body.  In living sober I am challenged each day by temptations, some of my own inner creation and some from outside influences.  It is only with the spiritual armour of god that I am able to face these temptations and demons to overcome.  For what I can't handle I know he can and will for me.  For he loves me and he keeps me and so long as I am willing he will guide me and deliver me from my addiction. 

Today I am grateful for my higher power in all things, my loving & supportive friends and family, my sobriety and another day of living clean and sober.