Just for Today

Days Sober:  71

Stress Level:  4

Functioning:  9

Hello. My name is Jody and I am an addict and an alcoholic.

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(Taken from the: "An Introductory guide to Narcotics Anonymous")

Tell Yourself:

Just for Today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

Just for Today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

Just for Today, through NA, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

Just for Today, I will be unafraid.  My thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life.  So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.

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I graduate from Intensive Outpatient Treatment (IOP) tonight.  I am scared on one side because this has been such a significant part of my recovery, I will miss everyone in my group, and I will have so much "extra time" on my hands now that I am no longer attending.  I am estatic on the other hand, this is a wonderful reminder how far I've come, that I am still clean and sober, and that recovery is actually possible after wondering for so long.

The final homework project for graduation was very difficult for me.  One of the assignments was to write about what your two perfect relaspes would be.  This was in my opinion a horrible assignment.  I didn't and still don't want to think about relaspe.  I spend everyday fighting and silencing the "boggie woggie committee" in my head that only wants to drink, smoke weed and party.  Seriously, not only do you want me to think about relaspe - you want me to put it onto paper???  I have had trouble with the concept in AA and in treatment that relaspe is a part of recovery...to me relaspe is equal to death.  If I use I will die.  If I use I will fail in my quest to become whole.  I will be a failure.  Relaspe for me is not an option I want to entertain...EVER!!! and here I am - being forced to write about my greatest fear in recovery....RELASPE.  What happened to having a choice to "Live in my recovery, or die in my addiction"???  Haven't I already made the choice to live in recovery??  What possible reason or purpose could this assignment have??? 

I completed the first "perfect relaspe" assignment, and in order to be able to complete the assignment, I had to die.  To me that is the perfect relaspe.  It hit me hard, the situation was a realistic choice, the story very accurate as to environment and activity, feelings and emotions, and the concept sur-real.  Whew. Was I glad when it was over. I completed the second assignment, which was a relaspe based on an emotion such as anger.  In the second assignment I did not kill myself, the scenario was just as accurate, the emotion I chose was anger, and the concept very realistic.  In the second assignment I wrote about relasping and it being (and I quote) "My relaspe was perfect, full of friends, fun, drinking, and dancing.  I had absolutely no thoughts of consequences. I had no guilt.".  

After completing the assignment, I believe I came to understand the purpose of it.  In identifying that relaspe was a part of my recovery I identified specific situations where relaspe was most certainly possible.  Weaknesses if you will.  I now have a better understanding of when and how relaspe becomes possible.  When and if these situations come up I will better be prepared for them or will be able to see them coming and be able to better equip my self to handle them.  

In recovery, I have seen people relaspe.  It is in my opinion, not a defect of character, or a "failure", it is infact part of being clean and sober and in recovery.  I have a disease, and with this disease comes the reality that I might not make it, that I might fail, and that I am not expected to be perfect.  All I can do is live sober one day at a time, one minute at a time if necessary.  I live life Just for Today, I leave the past in the past, I do not shut the door on it, but I strive to not re-live it. I don't live in the future, for I recognize if I am unable to make it through today - there may not be a tomorrow. 

In treatment before we said the serentity prayer, we include the following:  "For the addict who still suffers, and the child that has no choice".  I share today with you my hope, my love, and my belief that another life is possible, that if you stumble you will not fall as long as you or I continue to believe in the concept that it is all about progress - not perfection.

Another assignment I had to complete was my goodbye letter to marijuanna.  I wrote my goodbye letter to alcohol while in treatment.  I postponed, procrastinated, put-off, writing my goodbye letter to weed for alot of reasons, alot of addicted persons reasons.  Today I share both letters with you.
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Dear Alcohol:

I need to inform you that I can no longer be friends with you, hang out with you, pay attention to you.  I will no longer be including you in my day to day activities.  I will no longer look to you when I am happy and want to celebrate or when I am sad and need comfort.

I recognize all the times you have been there for me.  You had a way of numbing my mind and body and holding me close to you.  But lately I have taken advantage of you and abused you.  I often forget who I am or have trouble remembering what I did when I'm with you.

I have turned over a new leaf and am starting over fresh and in evaluating my life have found that having you in my life is not a good plan.  Everytime I get into trouble or don't do the things I need to or am supposed to do, I can directly relate those times to you either instigating or suffering the morning after we have been together.  Whatever the occasion or excuse it always ends the same. It is not fun or happy anymore. 

So goodbye Alcohol - May we never meet again!!!

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Dear weed, marijuanna, bud, cannibus, or whatever you are calling yourself today.  I don't need to know, but more importantly I don't care or want to know.  You have been a part of my life and a constant companion for as long as I can remember.  I feel and am deeply saddened that I have to say goodbye.  For so long you have given me such comfort. You have provided me support. You have helped me to feel accepted, have less fear, and to feel or have less pain.

You have been my best friend, helping me through life's ups and downs. Just knowing you are in the next room gave me comfort.  All my friends really liked you and accepted you.

Unfortunately, especially lately your presence in my life has caused me great conflict. Your presence leaves me feeling powerless and my life unmanageable. Our relationship has gone from casual encounter to cronic companion. Obtaining this relationship has left me financially bankrupt.

Your close relationship with alcohol has resulted in all of us getting into trouble, including jail, fines and treatment. I know if I continue to see you, use you, or have your presence in my life that inevitable you will lead me back to alcohol.

It is my hope that you will understand this very difficult decision.  That you will respect my choices. That you will not tempt me.  I struggle everyday with letting you go completely and now that I have surrendered to my recovery, letting go of you is essential to continuing on to a better, whole, more complete self.

I would like to tell you that someday we might be able to be friends again, but the truth is that you are too negative an influence.  So this my friend has to be the end. The end of us.

Goodbye weed, may we NEVER be friends again!!!

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Today in my recovery I am grateful for my higher power whom I choose to call GOD, my sobriety and all that I am and all that I have, great support persons in my life, a family that loves me, my IOP group, My counselor, and to progress not perfection.  Thank you sooooo much.