Days Sober: 71
Stress Level: 4
Functioning: 9
Hello. My name is Jody and I am an addict and an alcoholic.
_________________________________________________________________________________
(Taken from the: "An Introductory guide to Narcotics Anonymous")
Tell Yourself:
Just for Today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.
Just for Today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Just for Today, through NA, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
Just for Today, I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
_________________________________________________________________________________
I graduate from Intensive Outpatient Treatment (IOP) tonight. I am scared on one side because this has been such a significant part of my recovery, I will miss everyone in my group, and I will have so much "extra time" on my hands now that I am no longer attending. I am estatic on the other hand, this is a wonderful reminder how far I've come, that I am still clean and sober, and that recovery is actually possible after wondering for so long.
The final homework project for graduation was very difficult for me. One of the assignments was to write about what your two perfect relaspes would be. This was in my opinion a horrible assignment. I didn't and still don't want to think about relaspe. I spend everyday fighting and silencing the "boggie woggie committee" in my head that only wants to drink, smoke weed and party. Seriously, not only do you want me to think about relaspe - you want me to put it onto paper??? I have had trouble with the concept in AA and in treatment that relaspe is a part of recovery...to me relaspe is equal to death. If I use I will die. If I use I will fail in my quest to become whole. I will be a failure. Relaspe for me is not an option I want to entertain...EVER!!! and here I am - being forced to write about my greatest fear in recovery....RELASPE. What happened to having a choice to "Live in my recovery, or die in my addiction"??? Haven't I already made the choice to live in recovery?? What possible reason or purpose could this assignment have???
I completed the first "perfect relaspe" assignment, and in order to be able to complete the assignment, I had to die. To me that is the perfect relaspe. It hit me hard, the situation was a realistic choice, the story very accurate as to environment and activity, feelings and emotions, and the concept sur-real. Whew. Was I glad when it was over. I completed the second assignment, which was a relaspe based on an emotion such as anger. In the second assignment I did not kill myself, the scenario was just as accurate, the emotion I chose was anger, and the concept very realistic. In the second assignment I wrote about relasping and it being (and I quote) "My relaspe was perfect, full of friends, fun, drinking, and dancing. I had absolutely no thoughts of consequences. I had no guilt.".
After completing the assignment, I believe I came to understand the purpose of it. In identifying that relaspe was a part of my recovery I identified specific situations where relaspe was most certainly possible. Weaknesses if you will. I now have a better understanding of when and how relaspe becomes possible. When and if these situations come up I will better be prepared for them or will be able to see them coming and be able to better equip my self to handle them.
In recovery, I have seen people relaspe. It is in my opinion, not a defect of character, or a "failure", it is infact part of being clean and sober and in recovery. I have a disease, and with this disease comes the reality that I might not make it, that I might fail, and that I am not expected to be perfect. All I can do is live sober one day at a time, one minute at a time if necessary. I live life Just for Today, I leave the past in the past, I do not shut the door on it, but I strive to not re-live it. I don't live in the future, for I recognize if I am unable to make it through today - there may not be a tomorrow.
In treatment before we said the serentity prayer, we include the following: "For the addict who still suffers, and the child that has no choice". I share today with you my hope, my love, and my belief that another life is possible, that if you stumble you will not fall as long as you or I continue to believe in the concept that it is all about progress - not perfection.
Another assignment I had to complete was my goodbye letter to marijuanna. I wrote my goodbye letter to alcohol while in treatment. I postponed, procrastinated, put-off, writing my goodbye letter to weed for alot of reasons, alot of addicted persons reasons. Today I share both letters with you.
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Dear Alcohol:
I need to inform you that I can no longer be friends with you, hang out with you, pay attention to you. I will no longer be including you in my day to day activities. I will no longer look to you when I am happy and want to celebrate or when I am sad and need comfort.
I recognize all the times you have been there for me. You had a way of numbing my mind and body and holding me close to you. But lately I have taken advantage of you and abused you. I often forget who I am or have trouble remembering what I did when I'm with you.
I have turned over a new leaf and am starting over fresh and in evaluating my life have found that having you in my life is not a good plan. Everytime I get into trouble or don't do the things I need to or am supposed to do, I can directly relate those times to you either instigating or suffering the morning after we have been together. Whatever the occasion or excuse it always ends the same. It is not fun or happy anymore.
So goodbye Alcohol - May we never meet again!!!
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Dear weed, marijuanna, bud, cannibus, or whatever you are calling yourself today. I don't need to know, but more importantly I don't care or want to know. You have been a part of my life and a constant companion for as long as I can remember. I feel and am deeply saddened that I have to say goodbye. For so long you have given me such comfort. You have provided me support. You have helped me to feel accepted, have less fear, and to feel or have less pain.
You have been my best friend, helping me through life's ups and downs. Just knowing you are in the next room gave me comfort. All my friends really liked you and accepted you.
Unfortunately, especially lately your presence in my life has caused me great conflict. Your presence leaves me feeling powerless and my life unmanageable. Our relationship has gone from casual encounter to cronic companion. Obtaining this relationship has left me financially bankrupt.
Your close relationship with alcohol has resulted in all of us getting into trouble, including jail, fines and treatment. I know if I continue to see you, use you, or have your presence in my life that inevitable you will lead me back to alcohol.
It is my hope that you will understand this very difficult decision. That you will respect my choices. That you will not tempt me. I struggle everyday with letting you go completely and now that I have surrendered to my recovery, letting go of you is essential to continuing on to a better, whole, more complete self.
I would like to tell you that someday we might be able to be friends again, but the truth is that you are too negative an influence. So this my friend has to be the end. The end of us.
Goodbye weed, may we NEVER be friends again!!!
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Today in my recovery I am grateful for my higher power whom I choose to call GOD, my sobriety and all that I am and all that I have, great support persons in my life, a family that loves me, my IOP group, My counselor, and to progress not perfection. Thank you sooooo much.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
08/11/11
Days Sober: 56
Stress Level: 1
Functioning Level: 9
Hello. :) My name is Jody. I am an alcoholic and an addict.
What specific temptations do I face?
Since my last entry into my clean & sober blog I have faced many "temptations". Sobriety is a process and it's based on progress NOT perfection. Today I don't expect to be perfect. I expect to face obstacles and challenges. I expect the people in my life to not understand my disease and I know that although I may stumble - I will not fall.
Recovery is a choice each day - sometimes each hour - it is a new way of life. It is forgiving. It is accepting. It is understanding. It is being willing to surrender not to your addiction but to your recovery. It is being willing to face your fears, shortcoming and reality in a new and enlightened way. They say in the program that recovery is simple - just change your person, places and things. Simple - huh??? Not so much.
This last week has been challenging in so many ways....having "isolated" myself from friends and family I finally stepped up and started engaging others again. My BFF who moved to New Mexico - a person I love and miss very very much - is up here visiting. I went to stay with her so I could catch up and we could re-connect. Being there brought back my past and all the times we drank and partied together - most of my memories of partying and drinking at least for the last twelve years - have her in them. She is the Louise to my Thelma. It was a wonderful visit and although I had instant thoughts of wanting to drink - as that is what we've always done - I didn't knowing that what I would lose would far outweigh what I would accomplish with that first drink or that first hit. Thank you my wonderful BFF who told me that sobriety looks good on me - :)
My next temptation came from unresolved issues with my x. This week he "announced" on Facebook that he is "in a relationship". This hit me very hard. I still hold onto all the awful things he did to me and am working on being forgiving and accepting. I have thoughts of "why should he be happy when I am still miserable?" "How can he just move on knowing what a wreck my life is as a result of what he did to me". Why does he get to be happy - ???? All of these thoughts are unhealthy and unrealistic. They are also remnants of my unresolved issues from my past and part of my addictive cycle and not my recovery cycle. I have thoughts of wanting him to be miserable. For him to hurt and feel all the pain that I do. It was also his birthday this past week - his birthday is two (2) days before mine - so hard to forget. I really struggled with letting go and accepting. This is a shortcoming on my part. In retrospect and after a fearful search of my feeling I know that I have absolutely no control over him or his actions. I can only control my actions and my responses. I am responsible for my happiness. Today I still feel some unresolved feelings and issues with my ex. I hope that time and my willingness to work through these issues and shortcomings will help me to overcome and persevere.
My next temptations came from old friends and old places. I was invited to a very special person's birthday party for her ten year old daughter and her husband of many years. The daughter's birthday party was first and was during the daylight hours and the husbands was after dusk. I thought about what I wanted to do and how I wanted to handle the situation. I really wanted to go and re-connect with people that I care about but at the same time was worried about my ability to not drink or smoke when it was directly in front of my face. I decided I would go to the daughters birthday party but leave when the grown up party began in an effort to not be tempted. As the day progressed and the "partying" began I realized that although I wasn't strong enough my higher power was and then and there I surrender to my higher power. I was able to stay for the majority of the adult party and re-connect with persons that I hadn't seen for a long time...I was so proud of myself for not taking a drink or smoking any marijuana even when it was directly in front of my face. I wouldn't want to do that everyday because temptation is just that - tempting - I am very proud of my resolve and thank my higher power for taking the reins and keeping me sane. I had a few more situations where I was reconnecting with my friends from my past and was able to hold onto my sobriety. For many people who knew me when I drank and smoked it is a "Crazy" thought to think of me as clean and sober. For me it is choosing life over death.
While working my first step - I came to a realization. It was a slow realization and once it became a full thought I was astonished at the concept. I am often amazed at my progress. I wonder how in the world I am staying sober...seems like I should have failed by now. Where is my self-destructive behaviors that never have allowed me to succeed despite my best efforts? It was after some soul searching and self accepting that I realized that I am not alone. I am not doing this by myself. I have a higher power that is protecting me and guiding me. It was this higher power whom I choose to call GOD that allows me to be sober and clean. I acknowledge him today as my guiding spirit, my protector, and my savior. It is because of him and my understanding of him that I am clean and sober and living in sobriety today. I also have all the people in AA who are willing to speak about the struggles and successes in their lives as a result of this program that help me want what they have.
My birthday was this past weekend. I am now 41 years old. I decided to open my "Our Daily Bread" this morning and read what the scripture study was for my birthday. I have always loved the scriptures of the bible that talk about wearing the armour of god. (Ephesians 6: 10-20). I was reminded of this message when I found that as the topic for my birthday. It is essence states that we should always put on the spiritual armour of god each and every day - The belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, feet in readiness of the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, and the helmet of salvation. I find even more meaning in these words now that I am of clearer mind, spirit and body. In living sober I am challenged each day by temptations, some of my own inner creation and some from outside influences. It is only with the spiritual armour of god that I am able to face these temptations and demons to overcome. For what I can't handle I know he can and will for me. For he loves me and he keeps me and so long as I am willing he will guide me and deliver me from my addiction.
Today I am grateful for my higher power in all things, my loving & supportive friends and family, my sobriety and another day of living clean and sober.
Stress Level: 1
Functioning Level: 9
Hello. :) My name is Jody. I am an alcoholic and an addict.
What specific temptations do I face?
Since my last entry into my clean & sober blog I have faced many "temptations". Sobriety is a process and it's based on progress NOT perfection. Today I don't expect to be perfect. I expect to face obstacles and challenges. I expect the people in my life to not understand my disease and I know that although I may stumble - I will not fall.
Recovery is a choice each day - sometimes each hour - it is a new way of life. It is forgiving. It is accepting. It is understanding. It is being willing to surrender not to your addiction but to your recovery. It is being willing to face your fears, shortcoming and reality in a new and enlightened way. They say in the program that recovery is simple - just change your person, places and things. Simple - huh??? Not so much.
This last week has been challenging in so many ways....having "isolated" myself from friends and family I finally stepped up and started engaging others again. My BFF who moved to New Mexico - a person I love and miss very very much - is up here visiting. I went to stay with her so I could catch up and we could re-connect. Being there brought back my past and all the times we drank and partied together - most of my memories of partying and drinking at least for the last twelve years - have her in them. She is the Louise to my Thelma. It was a wonderful visit and although I had instant thoughts of wanting to drink - as that is what we've always done - I didn't knowing that what I would lose would far outweigh what I would accomplish with that first drink or that first hit. Thank you my wonderful BFF who told me that sobriety looks good on me - :)
My next temptation came from unresolved issues with my x. This week he "announced" on Facebook that he is "in a relationship". This hit me very hard. I still hold onto all the awful things he did to me and am working on being forgiving and accepting. I have thoughts of "why should he be happy when I am still miserable?" "How can he just move on knowing what a wreck my life is as a result of what he did to me". Why does he get to be happy - ???? All of these thoughts are unhealthy and unrealistic. They are also remnants of my unresolved issues from my past and part of my addictive cycle and not my recovery cycle. I have thoughts of wanting him to be miserable. For him to hurt and feel all the pain that I do. It was also his birthday this past week - his birthday is two (2) days before mine - so hard to forget. I really struggled with letting go and accepting. This is a shortcoming on my part. In retrospect and after a fearful search of my feeling I know that I have absolutely no control over him or his actions. I can only control my actions and my responses. I am responsible for my happiness. Today I still feel some unresolved feelings and issues with my ex. I hope that time and my willingness to work through these issues and shortcomings will help me to overcome and persevere.
My next temptations came from old friends and old places. I was invited to a very special person's birthday party for her ten year old daughter and her husband of many years. The daughter's birthday party was first and was during the daylight hours and the husbands was after dusk. I thought about what I wanted to do and how I wanted to handle the situation. I really wanted to go and re-connect with people that I care about but at the same time was worried about my ability to not drink or smoke when it was directly in front of my face. I decided I would go to the daughters birthday party but leave when the grown up party began in an effort to not be tempted. As the day progressed and the "partying" began I realized that although I wasn't strong enough my higher power was and then and there I surrender to my higher power. I was able to stay for the majority of the adult party and re-connect with persons that I hadn't seen for a long time...I was so proud of myself for not taking a drink or smoking any marijuana even when it was directly in front of my face. I wouldn't want to do that everyday because temptation is just that - tempting - I am very proud of my resolve and thank my higher power for taking the reins and keeping me sane. I had a few more situations where I was reconnecting with my friends from my past and was able to hold onto my sobriety. For many people who knew me when I drank and smoked it is a "Crazy" thought to think of me as clean and sober. For me it is choosing life over death.
While working my first step - I came to a realization. It was a slow realization and once it became a full thought I was astonished at the concept. I am often amazed at my progress. I wonder how in the world I am staying sober...seems like I should have failed by now. Where is my self-destructive behaviors that never have allowed me to succeed despite my best efforts? It was after some soul searching and self accepting that I realized that I am not alone. I am not doing this by myself. I have a higher power that is protecting me and guiding me. It was this higher power whom I choose to call GOD that allows me to be sober and clean. I acknowledge him today as my guiding spirit, my protector, and my savior. It is because of him and my understanding of him that I am clean and sober and living in sobriety today. I also have all the people in AA who are willing to speak about the struggles and successes in their lives as a result of this program that help me want what they have.
My birthday was this past weekend. I am now 41 years old. I decided to open my "Our Daily Bread" this morning and read what the scripture study was for my birthday. I have always loved the scriptures of the bible that talk about wearing the armour of god. (Ephesians 6: 10-20). I was reminded of this message when I found that as the topic for my birthday. It is essence states that we should always put on the spiritual armour of god each and every day - The belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, feet in readiness of the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, and the helmet of salvation. I find even more meaning in these words now that I am of clearer mind, spirit and body. In living sober I am challenged each day by temptations, some of my own inner creation and some from outside influences. It is only with the spiritual armour of god that I am able to face these temptations and demons to overcome. For what I can't handle I know he can and will for me. For he loves me and he keeps me and so long as I am willing he will guide me and deliver me from my addiction.
Today I am grateful for my higher power in all things, my loving & supportive friends and family, my sobriety and another day of living clean and sober.
Monday, August 1, 2011
8/1/2011
Days Sober: 45
Stress Level: 6
Functioning Level: 5
Hi. My name is Jody and I am an alcoholic/addict
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile. ~ Author Unknown
Today I had my MRI. I went in Monday of last week for an MRI on my right elbow and suffered a full on panic/anxiety attack. I only lasted about 45 minutes before the attach hit. I came out of the tube visibly shaken, heart racing, difficulty breathing, crying huge alligator tears, nausea and vomiting and was in a cold sweat. Unless you have suffered an anxiety or panic attach you can't fully understand it's devastating effects on your physical body and your mental mind. It is intense and feels like your having a heart attach - so I have been told - me I felt like I was dying....We rescheduled the appointment to this morning...My doctor prescribed a medication to help me get through and amazingly I was able to complete the MRI....the medication may have played a small part in getting me through it but mostly it was the tech who worked with me and decided after trying to put me in head first and I started panicking that maybe a new game plan was in order - so we tried it feet first which made all the difference. I completed the exam and am now home safe and sound with no lingering panic symptoms.
Thank you Earl and the rest of your staff for helping me get through this your efforts are very much appreciated.
I was worried about taking the medication as it could impact my sobriety. In AA and NA prescription drug use even with a doctor's approval is frowned upon. I had some real issues with taking the drug worried it would open up the "pathway" in my mind and I would have some serious issues with wanting to relapse. I spoke to my counselor prior to taking the drug and also to my support group in IOP. I felt very confident about taking the medication. Since it was a one time use only - and I was doing under my doctors care and the care of the staff performing the MRI - they actually had me come in an hour early and take the medication on site to ensure I had someone with me at all times to help with any issues. I also had a sober support person with me to provide personal support to me.
I definitely have worries regarding taking this medication and it leading to me wanting to use my drugs of choice - Alcohol and Marijuana. However, I am 2+ hours past taking the medication and I feel fine. I am not getting flashes in my mind of wanting to go smoke a bowl or take a shot of vodka - so all is well for right now. I also have my coping skills all lined up should this change. I have my grounding skills, my sober support family on alert, and am staying clear of any activities that may trigger my addictive cycle. I am also feeling good enough to attend my favorite women's AA group and am looking forward to going there.
There is allot of controversy surrounding the use of doctor per scribed medications that can be mind altering. I am not a pill popper. I have trouble just taking my daily flinstone vitamin!! That being said an addict can face variable opinions on both sides - those who feel as long as you are taking it as prescribed and not abusing it then you are okay - others however will warn in no uncertain terms that using any form of pills is a gateway to a relapse. I believe that if the medication is beneficial to you - say for relief of chronic or acute pain, anxiety, depression, etc and you are not abusing the medication and the benefits far out way the side effects - then yes take your meds. But do so being fully honest with your doctor about your diseases and be open with regards to feeling of wanting to use "other" drugs and or alcohol if you begin to have those desires. This is just my opinion.
I used marijuana in the past to help with chronic pain I suffer from several medical problems I have. Without using marijuana I am definitely feeling more pain and am more uncomfortable. I know that if I use marijuana though I will want to also go back to drinking - for me the two go hand in hand. Since not enough research has been done to validate patient claims of medical benefits of marijuana I am comfortable giving it up in order to maintain my sobriety. Not everyone feels the same as I do. This is a highly controversial topic and there just isn't enough scientific or medical proof to back up its use.
I am a supporter of "Medical Marijuana" and I believe if I were using it for that purpose I would benefit from it's use - however, I made the choice to discontinue using it for medical purposes as part of living clean and sober without the influence of any drugs. It is a struggle everyday to not take that first hit....and my medical mind often gives a good fight - but the rest of my mind has recognized that I am okay today without it and will continue to be okay without it. That being said I support continued research into the benefits of Marijuana. I just don't plan to actively use in order to show support.
Today I am grateful for the MRI staff - especially Earl who was so patient and understanding. I am grateful for another sober day. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head. A solid ground to stand on and for my biggest fan - Tim. I love you sooo much and thank you for being here for me. :)
Stress Level: 6
Functioning Level: 5
Hi. My name is Jody and I am an alcoholic/addict
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile. ~ Author Unknown
Today I had my MRI. I went in Monday of last week for an MRI on my right elbow and suffered a full on panic/anxiety attack. I only lasted about 45 minutes before the attach hit. I came out of the tube visibly shaken, heart racing, difficulty breathing, crying huge alligator tears, nausea and vomiting and was in a cold sweat. Unless you have suffered an anxiety or panic attach you can't fully understand it's devastating effects on your physical body and your mental mind. It is intense and feels like your having a heart attach - so I have been told - me I felt like I was dying....We rescheduled the appointment to this morning...My doctor prescribed a medication to help me get through and amazingly I was able to complete the MRI....the medication may have played a small part in getting me through it but mostly it was the tech who worked with me and decided after trying to put me in head first and I started panicking that maybe a new game plan was in order - so we tried it feet first which made all the difference. I completed the exam and am now home safe and sound with no lingering panic symptoms.
Thank you Earl and the rest of your staff for helping me get through this your efforts are very much appreciated.
I was worried about taking the medication as it could impact my sobriety. In AA and NA prescription drug use even with a doctor's approval is frowned upon. I had some real issues with taking the drug worried it would open up the "pathway" in my mind and I would have some serious issues with wanting to relapse. I spoke to my counselor prior to taking the drug and also to my support group in IOP. I felt very confident about taking the medication. Since it was a one time use only - and I was doing under my doctors care and the care of the staff performing the MRI - they actually had me come in an hour early and take the medication on site to ensure I had someone with me at all times to help with any issues. I also had a sober support person with me to provide personal support to me.
I definitely have worries regarding taking this medication and it leading to me wanting to use my drugs of choice - Alcohol and Marijuana. However, I am 2+ hours past taking the medication and I feel fine. I am not getting flashes in my mind of wanting to go smoke a bowl or take a shot of vodka - so all is well for right now. I also have my coping skills all lined up should this change. I have my grounding skills, my sober support family on alert, and am staying clear of any activities that may trigger my addictive cycle. I am also feeling good enough to attend my favorite women's AA group and am looking forward to going there.
There is allot of controversy surrounding the use of doctor per scribed medications that can be mind altering. I am not a pill popper. I have trouble just taking my daily flinstone vitamin!! That being said an addict can face variable opinions on both sides - those who feel as long as you are taking it as prescribed and not abusing it then you are okay - others however will warn in no uncertain terms that using any form of pills is a gateway to a relapse. I believe that if the medication is beneficial to you - say for relief of chronic or acute pain, anxiety, depression, etc and you are not abusing the medication and the benefits far out way the side effects - then yes take your meds. But do so being fully honest with your doctor about your diseases and be open with regards to feeling of wanting to use "other" drugs and or alcohol if you begin to have those desires. This is just my opinion.
I used marijuana in the past to help with chronic pain I suffer from several medical problems I have. Without using marijuana I am definitely feeling more pain and am more uncomfortable. I know that if I use marijuana though I will want to also go back to drinking - for me the two go hand in hand. Since not enough research has been done to validate patient claims of medical benefits of marijuana I am comfortable giving it up in order to maintain my sobriety. Not everyone feels the same as I do. This is a highly controversial topic and there just isn't enough scientific or medical proof to back up its use.
I am a supporter of "Medical Marijuana" and I believe if I were using it for that purpose I would benefit from it's use - however, I made the choice to discontinue using it for medical purposes as part of living clean and sober without the influence of any drugs. It is a struggle everyday to not take that first hit....and my medical mind often gives a good fight - but the rest of my mind has recognized that I am okay today without it and will continue to be okay without it. That being said I support continued research into the benefits of Marijuana. I just don't plan to actively use in order to show support.
Today I am grateful for the MRI staff - especially Earl who was so patient and understanding. I am grateful for another sober day. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head. A solid ground to stand on and for my biggest fan - Tim. I love you sooo much and thank you for being here for me. :)
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