7/30/11

Days Sober: 43

Stress Level: 1

Functioning: 10

Hi. My name is Jody. I am an alcoholic/addict.

"The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working.

To Perceive the world differently we must be willing to change or belief system.

Let the past slip away, expand our sense of now and dissolve the fear in our minds" ~ William James

Today is a beautifully wonderful day. I am experiencing the gifts that a sober existence has to offer and am grateful for having true feelings. Today I feel loved, I feel appreciated and I feel accepted for who I am.... 

Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs...(Just for Today - AA)

Today I began working the 1st Step of AA/NA:

"I admitted that I am powerless over my addiction, that my life had become unmanageable"

Question to myself: Can I control my use of any form of mind and/or mood altering chemicals? (Alcohol/Drugs)

• No I cannot - I have tried. I am powerless (using against my will). I am unable to stop using
• I need to discontinue justifying my use.
• I need to recognize my physical, mental and spiritual pain.

 Symptions of my addiction:

*Denial *Guilt/Shame *Loss of Control *Substitution *Embarrassment

*Rationalization *Dereliction *Justification *Degradation *Distrust of Other/Self *Isolation

My disease is progressive, incurable and fatal. I am not morally deficient. I have a disease.

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY RECOVERY.

Ways in the past I have tried to use sheer willpower to stop using:

*Sex/Lovers *Lied *Isolated *Rationalized *Avoidance

I need to let go of my resentments and doubts for they are robbing me of my benefits of my recovery. I need to be willing to ask for and accept help. Remind myself that if I can't control my addiction I can't control my life. 

Characteristics of my addiction:

1. Flaky - Unreliable
2. People question my honesty
3. Questionable morals and values
4. Making bad choices and decisions
5. Inability to control my actions
6. Unemployable
7. Self-destructive
8. Cause myself and others to be disappointed

I have a choice today - I can choose to live in my recovery or die in my addiction. I need to accept my addiction and my life and let go of my doubt and fears. It is not where I was that counts it is where I am going.

Today I am grateful for the sunshine, my sobriety, my sober support system, my AA family, the ability to smile and spell check - :)

7/29/2011

Days Sober:  42


Stress Level:  3 (0=No Stress - 10=Deadly Stress)


Functioning Level: 5 (0=Can't get out of Bed - 10=Unstoppable)


Hi My Name is Jody.  I am an addict/alcoholic!!!!


Admitting I was an alcoholic and drug addict was not an easy thing to own up to.  Having a drug and alcohol problem isn't something I asked for or ever wanted.  For some people it happens over time for others the first time they use they are lost to the disease.  I am an over time victim.  If I am to be completely honest (A program requirement) then I must admit that I have known for a very long time that my drinking was out of control and unmanageable.  I told myself that I could control it, that I don't drink everyday - that all drinkers blackout.  The truth is when you have the disease of alcoholism you have a "gene" in your body that reacts to alcohol and drugs differently than those who don't have the disease.  We are told in sobriety that one drink is too many and thousand is never enough.  Same is true for drug addicts.  You can't just take one drink or just one hit. Unfortunately we are incapable of "managing" our own lives and for the drug addict and/or alcoholic we have a tendency to not only inflict pain on ourselves but also anyone who loves and cares about us. 


I entered a treatment facility on June 17, 2011.  I stayed for 30-days.  The program was intense.  I went in thinking how is thirty days enough to undue forty years of using and abusing alcohol and drugs???  Believe me when I say it was enough to give me the ground work I needed to begin the process of recovery. I am now in "Intensive Outpatient" Treatment (IOP). I go to classes for 4-weeks on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays from 6-9 pm.  As part of the program I am required to attend at least 2 AA/NA per week (AA=Alcoholic Anonymous/NA=Narcotics Anonomyous).  Once this phase of my treatment ends I will be required to go once a week for 60-days. 


I want to thank all the people in treatment who were essential in my recovery.  The staff and patients were instrumental to my recovery and I will never forget them.  I want to acknowledge my family and friends who are supporting me in my recovery.  I am lucky that I have the support I do.  I love you all!!! 


Today I am in recovery and actively seeking the humility I need in order to live an active and honest recovery.  This path is not easy.  Often things I have done in the past while in my addiction come back to me and dealing with this is difficult.  I have alot of guilt and shame.  I have alot of denial.  I still have addictive behaviors but am learning to recognize them.  Recovery behaviors sometime come easy and sometimes don't come to me at all.  It is always a learning and growing process.


Today I am grateful for so many things.  My sobriety. My family and friends. I am grateful for the air I breathe and waking up.  I am grateful to my higher power for never giving up on me.  I am grateful for my serentity.


Today I am grateful.